A rant about place settings

[grandma bucket]

My mother always had Thanksgiving for the 7 of us and maybe 4 more making a total of 12 give or take. We always sat down to dinner with proper place settings. She did not grow up with charger plates thank goodness or we would have had those too.

My sister now hosts Thanksgiving and is a stickler for tradition, insists on everyone sitting down with proper place settings for Thanksgiving dinner. We are now a family of 34 and at times more with a couple of friends thrown in. Now the problem. All of her china, stemware and silverware is antique. It all has to be hand washed. By the time we eat dinner and wash those dishes (not to mention all the serving dishes and pot's and pans) hours have passed, we actually have to take 3 or 4 breaks just to get the water to reheat to wash them all. By the time dinner dishes are over it's time for the desert mess. It takes so long to clean up it just ruins the holiday. I do hate to say it but the truth is we do have several shirkers in our family and the same people always end up cleaning up. My DD's are so sick of working for hours they are refusing to attend dinner this year. I also should mention that last year I made a few noises and she did not like it one bit.

So what do you all think? Is there anyway that I can possibly convince her to do otherwise without her being terribly offended? I would be perfectly fine with a buffet but she will not be. Is there any thing you can think of to cut back? How does everyone serve their large families?


One more thing I host Christmas Eve in my much smaller home, with terrible parking, and the same people. We eat finger foods off paper everything and the kids tell me Christmas wouldn't be the same without coming here. Imagine that.

 

[teachermomof2]

I love to host sit down dinners with my antique dishes...lol...so I can relate to your sister. Have you approached her about it yet this year? Could you explain that your children won't attend because they don't want to be saddled with dish duty? Maybe she will rethink it.

 

[SparkleNana]

GrandmaBucket - Wow! Washing, drying and putting away all that precious stuff must take a lot of very careful work. It sounds exhausting. And I don't blame your daughters who do not feel that they are servants to their other relatives. Maybe the best thing is for your daughters to have a special trip on Thanksgiving Day -- and let your sister make other arrangements for her "clean-up brigade_. (And if YOU would be roped in to the clean-up, maybe you should go along on that special Thanksgiving trip with your daughters.)

I have a relative (by marriage) who orders me around - as if I am her servant - whenever we are together. Believe me, I avoid her as much as possible.

 

[luludou]

MIL's always has tons of dishes to wash every saturday when we go there for supper. We keep saying there are too much dishes and making noises but she just says it's done quickly don't worry! Sometimes I get so tired of those darn dishes I prefer to haver supper here instead!!

She just doesn't understand it... she is 82 so we have to understand that she's always done it this way.

 

[CanadianJingles]

My first instinct is that you need to look after your daughters first. If your daughters don't want to go, consider something different for just your immediate family. If your sister asks why you are doing something else, be honest with her that your girls do a lot of work at Thanksgiving at her home and you want them to have a break. As you say, everyone will come to your home for Christmas and it's not that far off.

 

[happy2bme]

My first instinct is that you need to look after your daughters first. If your daughters don't want to go, consider something different for just your immediate family. If your sister asks why you are doing something else, be honest with her that your girls do a lot of work at Thanksgiving at her home and you want them to have a break. As you say, everyone will come to your home for Christmas and it's not that far off.

I agree!!!

 

[jinglemom]

Do you think she would compromise by having the sit down dinner with a fancier good quality paper or throw away plastic plate, but still use real silverware and glasses? I can understand her wanting the sit down dinner but that is way too many dishes. Would the members of your family go for washing their own plate before they go for dessert? It definitely isn't right that the same people get stucking cleaning after everyone. Maybe at least a rotation schedule coule be established.

 

[Winged One]

Or is there even any way to use the antique settings for the serving dishes and a nice china but dishwasherable service for actual place settings?

Handwashing after 34 sounds like a reason for me to find a different tradition - even if that does mean changing location.

 

[AuntJamelle]

Wow - antique china for 34! Just having that many dishes of that type is impressive. Cleaning up afterwards sounds like a real logistics nightmare!

Hmmmmm....I understand the desire to use pretty things that don't see the light of day very often.

But the time and effort it takes for cleanup really sounds massive. I don't blame you or your daughters for being frustrated. No one wants to WORK their holiday.

Calorie burning benefits of marathon dish washing aside, of course!

I guess that it is my personal opinion that honesty - tactful honesty of course - is usually the best way to go.

The other suggestions on focusing on your daughters first are very well put. Depending on your sister's personality, she may be offended no matter what you say or how you try to say it.

All you can do is try to be as tactful as possible.

Maybe try getting her talking about why using that china is so important to her. Is it a connection to your mother? To tradition? Or does she feel that she HAS to use it because of other family member expectations? Is it the cost of buying substitute dish items for that many people on top of other food type expenses? Or in her eyes is this dish washing experience a fun, bonding type thing? Or maybe she is trying to make it be that way???

Sometimes if you can pinpoint the person's motive you know better how to handle them.

And you don't have to have the whole conversation at once. You could do some intel gathering first, just chatting in a way that will hopefully avoid her getting defensive and then think it over and later approach her about the matter.

Just some thoughts...maybe none of this will help - I know everyone's family is different. I am pulling for you to get it worked out though - less stress is better!!!

 

[MerryHOHOHO]

Wow, I know wonder if your sister and my sister are related. We had a similar situation and over the years my other sisters got sick of it and made other arrangements with their husbands family. Now they all come for dessert but Im still there with one other sister doing the dishes but its only about 9 of us.

My advice would be to be honest and tell her that it would be a wonderful idea to change it to those really nice paper plates. They have really nice ones in the stores now. I even buy the plastic silverware that are silver and actually look just like real silver. Maybe you can convince her to use the antique stuff for dessert only and that wouldnt be so bad.

Good luck and I really hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving this year

 

[SparkleNana]

Is there any possibility that your sister plans to give all those place settings to your two daughters when she dies? Could she be thinking that she is helping them create memories so the things would be meaningful when they inherited them? Just trying to think of various possibilities......

 

[grandma bucket]

Is there any possibility that your sister plans to give all those place settings to your two daughters when she dies? Could she be thinking that she is helping them create memories so the things would be meaningful when they inherited them? Just trying to think of various possibilities......

No she has two daughters of her own. I have my mothers china to pass to my dd's. I do use it for smaller gatherings.
Well I have decided to let my daughters just skip Thanksgiving. If they want to boycott it's their choice. Maybe with a little less help she will see how much work it really is.

 

[Cathymac]

This is a tough situation. I understand both sides. I love to use "real" dishes for Thanksgiving when DH's family comes here. They always protest and say "paper is fine" but I personally despise (and I truly mean that) paper plates and chose not to use them. The dishes I use are pretty but servicable and dishwasher safe. However, we have a large crowd too and the dishwash won't hold everything. So, every year, it's exactly the same...they all sit around talking and chatting, until time to go to the movies, which they do every year after we eat. I'm left to do all the cleanup. They always say "now just leave those dishes and we'll do them when we get back". They KNOW that it makes me crazy to have dirty dishes sitting around, and that I'm going to do them. And, more importantly, I know that's how it's going to go, and I'm more willing to do the dishes than to not use them. Perhaps your sister feels the same way...and just maybe if she has to do a lot of the work herself she'll decide it's not worth it-or maybe that it is worth it and gladly do it.

 

[HouseElf]

Yikes. While I understand her desire to have a nicely set table - I am reminded about what happened THIS Thanksgiving in our home. . .

My nephew (15) was helping clean up from dinner. He put a large dish too quickly into the sink that already was soaking some china. It broke two tea cups, a plate, and a glass candle stick.

My nephew was distraught... I shrugged and tossed them into the rubbish bin. Gave him a hug and told him to REALLY not worry about it - mistakes happen and things break.

Why?

Because it is just stuff. Yes, it was important as far as 'stuff' goes in my life (very old and had sentimental value) but the 15 year old who broke it ment so much more to me then some dishes.

I like to set my table with real dishes. I have enough dishes to serve all that come to my table on a usual holiday - but if I needed more I would just ask my sisiter to bring another set from her home - I have no problem with mismatched sets

I have a general rule thumb I tell my guest: I will close the door into the kitchen, the dishes will be there later - for now, I wish to visit with you.

I hope your family is able to come to an agreement.

 

[holidaymama]

I liked the idea where your children come and eat, but then have somewhere to go IMMEDIATELY after dinner!

I think it would be kind of rude for your kids not to come...and I can only imagine the "talk" that would come from it among the family (just thinking of my family I guess!) but I COMPLETELY understand their lack of desire!

What if you just had a special afternoon planned for your kids where they have to be at the movie theater or wherever by x time? Then everyone is happy, right?