Help & Advice needed.

[ejagno]

I need some advice.

Year before last we ended a tradition of family portraits because one DIL decided that it wasn't convenient for them, with a 3 month advance notice. After all, what's a family picture if the whole family isn't in it.

This week the same DIL informs me that they will NOT be participating in the family gift exchange because they are building a house and won't be able to afford it. Our gift exchange is between the adults. Each person draws a name and purchases a $50 gift for the person they drew. Now I could understand if they were in dire straights but this is not the case.

The problem is that my son already drew a name and their names have been drawn so apparently she forgot to inform him of this as well. I don't like to get in my kids business but they are really beginning to upset me. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I try to be very open to change and even making new traditions but to consistently have the same ones just sabatage traditions for the sake of it is heartbreaking.

 

[Kim Loves Snow]

Oh Ellen! I have been in a similar situation so I have an idea about what you are feeling.

First, it is possible that she is not trying to ruin your Christmas or your traditions. How were her Christmas' growing up? People who do not have good Christmas memories tend to not want to do a lot for Christmas.

Second, perhaps she is selfish and does not like the time your son spends with his family and is thinking, no gift exchange, no get together. If that is the case, we'll all get on the magic broom and make an appearance. Seriously though, I feel like you need to talk to your son. Be completely honest with him using a calm and unemotional tone of voice and tell him that participating in Christmas with the family is really not an option this year since names have been drawn. And if they want to opt out next year, he'll need to announce it this year so that the group has enough advanced notice. Telling the group that they are going to opt out might be more than they are willing to do but you certainly should not be the one to spread the word.

Another option might be to sit down and talk with them together and explain that your love of Christmas is yours to own and you understand that. But, there are some items regarding Christmas that are near and dear to your heart. Whether those are the pictures, the gift exchange or another tradition, you should be honest about the items that you want to happen each year and tell them why. Then, ask what they would like to see Christmas look like, this might give you an idea of why they (she) are balking at the way your family does things.

It may be difficult to have a conversation one on one with your son that does not make him feel like it's him between mom and wife so it's all in the words you choose and if your DH and his DW would be in on the conversation even better because then if would be the 4 of you trying to figure out what would work best, not the MIL against the DIL and DS.

I believe they have children? If so, it would seem even more important to get these issues resolved now before they impact the children. On a side note, if they have children, is Christmas day spent at your house or do they stay home on Christmas day and you go to them?

Good luck and let us know what you do!

 

[luludou]

I agree with all Kim said... and if it's really about the $$ well tell them you will do a white elephant exchange or a homemade exchange... then you'll see if it's really about money or just about not joining in the family Christmas.

I've had SIL's who have been balking at all we want to do for Christmas. It is hard to maintain some traditions when they won't participate in anything and keep complaining about the Christmas season (tiresome, expensive, why do we do this?, etc...)

 

[ejagno]

Kim, DIL was raised in a single family home. Her mother has worked 3 & 4 jobs to support those children since the day I met her.

When my kids got married we agreed that for every holiday we had to "share" them with the other family. Her mom comes here for every holiday and we love her company. We do a big family celebration together on Christmas Eve so that the kids can be home with their kids on Christmas Day. This year it will actually be the Sunday before Christmas because one child is working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. We will be cooking Christmas Day for those that want to attend but it's not or big celebration. After checking with all of the kids we find dates that do not interfere with anyones schedules and a notice goes out on October 1st. This year the drawing is early because another DIL is due to have her baby the week before Thanksgiving.

 

[MinnieCo]

I think she should just talk to her son and see what the issue is.

 

[Ahorsesoul]

When my kids got married we agreed that for every holiday we had to "share" them with the other family. Her mom comes here for every holiday and we love her company. We do a big family celebration together on Christmas Eve so that the kids can be home with their kids on Christmas Day.

Ask her mother to come for the family photo shoot.

 

[AnnieClaus]

Ellen- We tried to do the exchange the name type thing with my family- totally didn't work. At the time my brother was broke so he couldn't participate (and parent's felt like they had to give him the $$ to participate) and one of my SIL's still bought for everyone which was awkward.

My experience with family portraits is everyone complains about having to do them- especially if a certain dress code is expected- but then are thrilled with the results.

Is there any way you can go out for a cup of coffee and somehow bring it up in conversation? There may be an underlying issue or feelings as to why she doesn't want to participate in these things.

Also, maybe right after the holiday, bring up in conversation- "How does everyone think this Christmas went?" Then when others say how much they appreciated the gift exchange, your DIL will hear and see that it's something worth participating in. Or- that may be the time she can say what she doesn't like about it.

I hate when people are difficult and they won't just do what we need them to do so the holidays go how we picture them! Maybe that's the problem- our picture and theirs doesn't match.
But, we are the holiday nuts so I think they should simply conform to what we want.

Annie

 

[Grammyk]

We had the same type of problem going on with one of our DDILs. We missed out on family pics one year, and then I decided to make a little game of it. One year, we did them on Thanksgiving (actually the Sunday before). I had the photographer come to the house, and we took them in the Living room and then wondered out side and took a few. The next year, we took them on the 4th of July. Everyone was in the park for the celebration, and we just sent out a text msg to meet us at the canon. Last year, we did them on Easter. Now I have all the seasons and most all the family. We have 7 kids, 5 of them have kids and spouses. Many of them work in healthcare, so not everyone is there everytime. I simply wright on the back of the pic who was working and where, for history. I haven't decided wether to have the pics taken at the family pumpkin carving or wait for Christmas (which will be the saturday after). By the way, I have noticed that each family comes a little more coordinated each year. Not everyone looks great, because we play in the park and we play football at T-giving, have a big egg hunt on Easter, but we all look happy. Good Luck!!

 

[missjane]

Maybe, as you feared, the 5th wheel payment along with building the house is draining them!

I agree that a sit-down-and-talk-it-out moment is needed. I know we are always afraid of alienating our family because of something that, in the long run seems petty, but for those of us that love the celebration of Christmas, it is not something small. And you don't want to lose that tradition at all. I really feel like their is something going on of which you are not aware. How does DS feel about her decision to do this? It may not be okay with him that she has decided to do this.

If she insists and no one has started buying yet, you could re-draw names. Have you checked with your other children? They may feel the same way and are scared to say anything (I know, hard to imagine, but it may be true). You didn't say if the grandchildren get gifts at this exchange. I'm assuming they get their gift that you and DH have bought them? If they don't get any gifts at the family exchange, is it awkward for them? Everyone may be relieved to not buy and just want to get together and have a family meal and visit. Maybe you could reduce the amount you spend to $35 or $40. I don't know, I'm just throwing some ideas out there. For more and more families, this becomes such a big issue and it is so hard to make the decision that makes everyone happy. Family traditions are so ingrained in us, it's hard to change. When DS and DDIL first got married and didn't have children, he wanted to come to the house Christmas morning because he just wasn't ready to let go of that being at home to open presents on Christmas morning thing and they still do that. I wanted to change that "tradition," but he won't hear of it! lol

Good luck with this. I wish I had an answer. Let us know what you decide.

 

[ejagno]

Thank you so much for your input. Actually, it's the kids that came up with the idea of doing a gift exchange amongst the adults instead of everyone buying for everyone else. There are only 2 (soon to be 3) grandbabies so we all buy a little something for them.

Now get this, I drew her name and already bought the set of fleur de lis dishes she wanted for her new house. She hasn't mentioned another word since she found out about the dishes.

GrammyK, I love that element of suprise. I might just get my family pics yet. LOL

Annie, you are so right. It's our vision of a perfect Christmas, not theirs.

You know, I try very hard to make things happen when I know that it means the world to someone else. I just wish they'd sometimes try to undersand that this is what's important to me. I know, I'm being selfish.

 

[teachermomof2]

Ellen~you aren't being selfish at all.

We used to do the adult exchange and then that fell apart too because someone decided that it was too much. (can't remember who exactly?!) Now we don't buy any of dh's siblings anything , but we all buy for the kids.

Your dil may feel pressure about building the house and swinging a new mortgage payment. They may have money issues that you are not aware of or as Kim said it may not really be about the money at all. I think it's best to talk it out with them as a couple.

As for the family photo, maybe ask for it as your gift for a birthday or anniversary...then she may be more inclined to cooperate.

 

[AnnieClaus]

I was thinking about this earlier today and I came to the conclusion that the reason I love MHH so much is that here, I can always have that perfect Christmas.

Because here, I have found kindred spirits that want and fight for that perfect Christmas just like I do.

In actuality, in life, at Christmas I am usually run down, exhausted, usually have a cold, am annoyed at others because they aren't doing what I want/need them to do, and the last 3 years there has been a crisis going on right at Christmas. Cancer and death, anyone??!!

But here at MHH, Christmas is always how it should be- perfect, snowy, the best food, the best of friends and family.

And the best part, it doesn't have to be December for me to have that. It's available 24/7/365.

Annie

:elf2:

 

[luludou]

Hear! hear Annie! (clap, clap)

Well said and so true! and Ellen you are NOT being selfish. We put so much into our Christmas that I do feel the others could do a teeny-weeny bit too.

 

[Colleen in PA]

Ellen,

First, you aren't being selfish. I love Grammyk's approach to the family pictures! Maybe you could make a collage of pictures this year - each family can take their own when it works for their schedules?

Incorporating different families' traditions is always tricky. My inlaws always pick names, and for the last 2 years I did not receive a gift (the first year SIL had me, last year MIL) both times I got an IOU...they just hadn't "had time to shop". You can bet I told DH that I'm not interested this year - fortunately, his family does everything by the seat of the pants, so they won't pick names until Thanksgiving. For years before we were married I had to sit by on Christmas Eve while they opened their stockings...each person bought something for everyone elses....a book, magazine, chocolate, a bottle of wine, etc. Yep...never got one of those either, so when DH's brother got married I filled a stocking for my new SIL. We still do each other's and the kids...but I am no longer buying for the other adults (DH gets his stocking at home on Christmas). Last year, MIL had the nerve to say that she missed it and why didn't "we girls" meaning her DILs want to keep up with tradition? Grrrr. OK, enough venting...just know that you are not alone.

Don't let anyone ruin your holiday. It may not be exactly what you envisioned or hoped for, but it can still be special!