Have you ever had to ban someone from your home?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Andthenjust, Aug 9, 2018.

  1. Andthenjust

    Andthenjust Member

    I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong section, it's sort of Christmas related, but it's not along the happy theme as all the other threads!

    Basically, I'm asking for advice on how to tell a family member that she isn't welcome at our house on Christmas day this year. Last year she ruined Christmas for us all, and left my two children upset and scared. Reading that back, I shouldn't have to justify anything to her, as a normal person wouldn't need reminding/telling that she isn't invited to Christmas after such behaviour. BUT, she believes her behaviour is normal and acceptable, and therefore I'm going to have to speak to her beforehand.

    Again, I am sorry if this is in the wrong section. I weren't sure where else to post!
     
  2. PamelaG

    PamelaG Moderator Staff Member

    That's a tough one with a family member but traumatizing your children, and not taking any responsibility for her behavior, is totally unacceptable. I would just get with her in a private setting and tell her that based on last year's experience, it would be better if she made other plans for Christmas Day this year. It may cause hard feelings, and the relationship may break down completely, so just be prepared for that to happen but your immediate family, especially your children, have to be your priority. Ugh, drama with family members is the worst! Good luck and vent away - I'm sure many of us have been through something similar at one time or another.
     
    jampss likes this.
  3. luludou

    luludou Well-Known Member

    I'm having the same problem. Last year crazy sil threw a fit, banging doors and shouting, she traumatized everyone. don,t know what to do with her this year. guess we'll see as the time gets closer. as we live farther away they sleep here so it's more than a few hours.
     
  4. sweetpumkinpye

    sweetpumkinpye Well-Known Member

    Andthenjust, One of the things I love about this group is that we are always open to everyone's problems. Some doozies have been shared over the years.
    I agree with Pamela. If the person lives close by I would suggest a get together and calmly explain to them the facts from last year and why it is not possible to have them at your celebrations this year.
    If the person does not live close by then a well penned message may be your only option. It will be uncomfortable and may damage the relationship but it is still a better option than having your children upset and traumatised. Our children are always the priority over misbehaving adults.
     
    jampss likes this.
  5. Ahorsesoul

    Ahorsesoul Santa's Elves

    I think it's your house and your family. You can invite anyone you want to attend. Let her know she is not invited due to the behavior last year.

    Telling her the week or a few days before might prevent a long drawn out hissy fit. Or you could say you are starting a tradition of a smaller Christmas. One less is a small celebration.

    Will you be safe confronting her face to face? If not a call might be better. And let other people know what has happened so they do not just hear her side of the story.

    Something else to think about is do you need a bouncer who can help escort her away from your house should she decide to come anyway. I know a family who did this because their mother was the problem and they did not want her at their wedding. So know that you are not alone with this problem.

    It might be rough and a emotional this year but you are letting your children know that they do not have to tolerate inappropriate behaviors from other family members or friends.
     
    jampss likes this.
  6. Minta

    Minta Administrator Staff Member

    First .. it's your house so you and your kids come first. Don't feel sorry for having to ban anyone who threatens the happiness of your kids. Kids deserve to have a happy and drama free holiday and that "Adult" should have known better. So once you inform her also inform the other members that will be attending that is not invited and asked that they not give her any information should she ask.
     
    jampss and housewife2 like this.
  7. missjane

    missjane Well-Known Member

    In a way, I suppose we did. My sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins, and my family used to all be together for holidays...almost all of them. One of my nieces became so bad about stealing that most of us opted to start having the holidays at our own houses without her being invited.
     
  8. Ahorsesoul

    Ahorsesoul Santa's Elves

    MissJane, How is this niece doing now?
     
  9. missjane

    missjane Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, the same. Just last week, my sister called to ask me to go to her house and get some money out of her night stand and keep it because she had left her house unlocked for her grandson. Her daughter knew she wasn't there, so my sister knew she would go in and pilfer and steal it when she found it. She's addicted to hydrocodone/pain medicines and will do anything to get it or get the money to buy it. My sister takes it for chronic back pain and she's stolen it from my sister. She has to keep it at work locked in her filing cabinet and takes home just enough to take at night. Last year, my niece went where she works and stole it out of her desk. It was caught by security cameras. My niece has 3 children under the age of 8. My sister knows she would have to raise them if my niece went to jail. I think that's the reason she doesn't report her. My sister is already raising another one of my other niece's oldest child. She has 4, and the daddy of the last three is raising them.I have four nieces...oldest two do not have children. Youngest two have 7 children. I have two sisters. The oldest doesn't have children. This sister has 4 daughters and one step-son, whose daddy she is divorced from, but the step-son has no other family, so considers himself a part of ours...and we feel the same about him.
     
  10. Ahorsesoul

    Ahorsesoul Santa's Elves

    Oh my goodness. That is certainly a TV show going on with your niece. Sending prayers to your sister.
     
    missjane likes this.
  11. sweetpumkinpye

    sweetpumkinpye Well-Known Member

    MissJane...Wow! Hoping for some changes for your niece. What a wonderful lady your sister must be.
     
    missjane likes this.
  12. Andthenjust

    Andthenjust Member

    Thank you all for your replies and advice!
    my situation is a bit of a tricky one - the person I'm talking about is my MIL BUT - she isn't *directly* the problem. Mil is absolutely wonderful, however, my bil is a complete nightmare. He s a career criminal, drug addict, alcoholic, wife-beating piece of whatever, and he now lives with mil.
    He has her wrapped around his finger. For example, if he wants money, he will hound her, threaten her, destroy her house until he gets it. Last year when she stayed with us, for whatever reason he decided to plague her. To cut it short, my husband had to ask mil to go outside (the only place our kids couldn't hear her) as bil was on the phone to her. The kids woke up hearing their grandma begging her son not to kill himself/kill his ex -girlfriend. Bil the n called to say hed put a paving slab throug h mil's window, and if she didn't come home he'd blah blah blah. The kids heard everything. Grandma was crying. I offered to pay her fare to get back home to sort this mess out but she declined.

    My worry about this year is that the same will happen. Thhis situation has increasingly got worse over time, and wherever mil goes, the idiot will follow. She's in a weird situation as she feels worried about ignoring his calls incase it's something 'really bad', yet if she keeps it on she'll be harassed. she's very loud so everyone hears it lol.
    i just know i cant have a repeat of last year! S orry about this rambling post lol. Luckily dh is on my side, though he's dreading having to tell her she isn't welcome.
     
  13. goodpace

    goodpace Member

    Not to make light of anyone's situation...but boy, am I glad I'm not the only one that has family like this!!! I seriously love this group too! So many of you have lent a shoulder to cry on or just a ear to listen. I have had to distance my own family away from DH's side of the family in the past due to drugs, violence, theft, and just plain craziness. Some issues last year had me on a thin tightrope with my DD. I think everyone has to do what is right for their sanity and for the sake of their own immediate family especially when it involves children. No child should be traumatized EVER -especially at the Holidays-by any family member PERIOD! Your house-your rules. Peace and healing to those who suffer during the Holidays.
     
    Andthenjust likes this.
  14. PamelaG

    PamelaG Moderator Staff Member

    Your MIL needs to get out of this situation with her son. Sounds like she has some guilt issues that he may hurt himself/someone else and it will have been her fault. I think you said you were in the UK and I've heard the term ASBO, Anti-Social Behavior Order, I tihink it must be like a restraining order here in the US. Is something like this a possibiity for her? I don't know the process but from what you have told us about him, it's such a shame that your MIL can't be around family because of his behavior.
     
    Andthenjust likes this.
  15. sweetpumkinpye

    sweetpumkinpye Well-Known Member

    Andthenjust........hugs to you and your family. With much searching I am sure that you will come up with the solution.
     
  16. Ahorsesoul

    Ahorsesoul Santa's Elves

    Oh my. Too bad your MIL can't stand up for herself. It certainly isn't helping your BIL but enabling his actions. And it's not getting him the help he needs. My prayers are with you and your family. Are you keeping a written list of the problems he is causing (photos if they can be taken without putting anyone in danger).
     
    Andthenjust likes this.
  17. Andthenjust

    Andthenjust Member

    Yeah, I'm in the UK. Asbo (Anti Social Behaviour Order) isn't the same as a restraining order - it doesn't really 'do' anything :( he's actually on probation (he caused a multi-car accident whilst he was out drug dealing (he's never had a license as he's got medical problems that prevents him from ever obtaining one), but alas, Bristish 'justice' system. Mil was asked to press charges, and his ex actually went to the police on multiple times due to him beating her half to death. He's just one of those guys who gets away with everything.s
    thanks to everyone for their positive vibes and advice! I thinj I'm just going to have to be straight with her.
     
    sweetpumkinpye likes this.
  18. sweetpumkinpye

    sweetpumkinpye Well-Known Member

    Let us know how it all goes. Fingers crossed for a good outcome.
     

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