Need advice - Do I gift kids that have wronged us?

[Cindylouwho]

Please take a moment to step into a drama I lived in this past Fall. Now it is Christmas and I have to figure out if our family is buying gifts for the kids that were involved.

We've been close to a particular family for some years now -- a relationship that developed because our kids were friends (Tweens). They've had hard times and we have made sure their kids had presents and a tree to put them under. They've spent much time in our home and at one point it almost felt like we were one family.

Then over the summer (while we were gone) a new girl moves to town. A mean girl. (Like the one in the movie). Mean girl decides she likes these kids and tells them not to hang out with OUR kids -- just her. This girl was pretty popular at the time, and made quite the impression on them. She is a bully. One moment our kids were best friends, the next those kids won't even talk to mine (Its crazy - straight out of a movie). Our kids (particularly DD) are hurt. They have other friends but man, these kids were CLOSE. The parents were in denial even though I spoke to them. Figured they were just not spending as much time together. But it was MORE than that. These kids became mean. But never in front of me. Only to my kids. They completely turned their backs on them and ignored them.

Our families have not spent any time together since. Now the holidays are coming and the parents are reaching out to say Hello (and hinting about Christmas).

My husband and I have always done the right thing. We try to be Christian. If they were REALLY struggling, we would help, no question. But they are in better financial shape and the need for is not as clear this year. Help me. How do I handle this? Are we giving these kids gifts? What do you do when kids have been naughty? *sigh*

 

[ChristmasPir8]

It's a hard spot to be in and I am sure you are stuggling with what to do. I think my first thought would be not to give them a specific gift. If you make food for people maybe something like that but not gifts for the individul kids. However the holidays are about good will and forgiveness and all that stuff so it could be a good faith gesture for "one last time"
I am sure I didn't answer that question at all, sorry. I am sure some very wise people will have some wonderful advice for you. Wish I could have been more helpful.

 

[jinglemom]

Since you have not seen them until now, and especially since the kids are no longer friends, I definitely would not feel obligated in any way to buy any presents for their family. In fact, I personally wouldn't even give buying gifts for the kids a second thought. I kind of question the motives of the parents contacting you now. You are still doing the christian thing by being open to forgiveness. if it were me, I would probably make or buy a food item for a family gift, but only give it if the other family initiates the gift giving first. Then wait and see what happens with the relationship for next year.

 

[Minta]

I agree with the others. No individual gifts but maybe a small family gift of baked goodies, hot cocoa mix or an ornament. Your kids have been hurt in this ordeal. I would worry less about those other kids and focus more on your kids. The money you have spent on them in the past could be used to take your kids on a Christmas outing or even take the kids and select tag or 2 off an angel tree and shop for those kids.

If the parents continue to hint then say sorry either you are unable to help them this year or are helping another child(ren) in need (angel tree).

 

[Colleen in PA]

Absolutely not. I think giving them gifts would just reinforce the idea that they can get away with bad behavior...and how would that make your kids feel? No, clearly the realtionship is not the same (their choice). They are not destitute and you are in no way obligated to play Santa Claus. If you wanted to still help someone, I would spend the money on children who really need it like the angel tree mentioned, or toys-for-tots. Don't waste any more of your time and energy here...clearly the parents couldn't be bothered until there was something for them to gain. So sorry your family had to go through this!!! JMHO.

 

[AnnieClaus]

I would go with a family gift-

Maybe the makings of a family movie night-

A bowl, popcorn to pop, some "movie" candy (junior mints, raisenettes) and a DVD or two.

Definetly NOT individual gifts.

I commend you for taking the high road- I know that can be a hard road to travel!

Annie

 

[teachermomof2]

I think the family gift is a nice idea. I wouldn't go out of my way to buy individual gifts after the way the kids treated your kids. It's hard to be nice when your kids are hurt. Good for you for taking the high road.

 

[Lana]

I agree with the family gift. Maybe even a gift card to a place to eat, grocery store or Wal-Mart to pick out something all can use. Food items are always good!

 

[Kim Loves Snow]

It's a tough spot to be in. Personally I would not purchase a gift for the family or individuals. When they call to discuss Christmas cheerfully suggest that you all meet for dinner after the holidays when schedules are less hectic and end it with "give us a call when you know your availability." chances are she will not call and if she does her motive might actually be to clear the air, not the gifts/trees your family has been so generous with.

 

[ejagno]

No gifts period. As you stated, they are in a better financial situation so they can provide for their own family. It's sad that they wait until the holidays to contact you. That shows that they have an entitlement attitude where you and your family are concerned. Lordy, there are plenty of truly needy families out there. Find another family to share your blessings with.

 

[Ahorsesoul]

Give them this book as a gift.
http://books.google.com/books/about/A_Good_Friend.html?id=0DqPxXi0UCIC

 

[missjane]

This is why I love Diedra! I love her suggestion!

I say no gifts. I like Kim's idea of calling and suggesting going out to dinner "when it's at their convenience" making sure they know it's Dutch treat! That they are only contacting you now near Christmas indicates what they are wanting...a handout. If you feel that you must do something, give a gift to charity in their honor and have the honorarium (sp?) card sent to their address. That way they know that you were thinking of them.

If they ask about why you aren't following your usual pattern, let them know how you feel about their children's sudden change in behavior and that the relationship isn't what it used to be. That they would ask is rude, but you never know.

Maintaining a Christian stance toward them does not mean you are obligated to buy them presents. Treating them respectfully and with dignity, and forgiving them does show a Christian attitude. I think you have already done those things according to what you described. I'm sorry DD and your other children are having to experience this.

 

[housewife2]

i agree with kims idea. best of luck to many people out there in need

 

[halimer]

I'm with Annie - and all the rest - The high road is hard but it's best...a nice cake or pie or basket with some popcorn is fine...

 

[AnnieClaus]

I am laughing so hard at Ahorsesoul's post!!!!!

Isn't that truly how we feel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is classic!

Annie

 

[ChristmasPir8]

Give them this book as a gift.
http://books.google.com/books/about/A_Good_Friend.html?id=0DqPxXi0UCIC

this is why we love you and how you think!

 

[MissBrittany]

I wouldn't give gifts, but I would invite them all over for dinner. Then you are still being kind and gracious AND one of two things might happen... the parents will see for themselves that the relationship is strained, or the kids might be able to rebuild their relationship in the absence of MeanGirl. A myriad of other things could occur as well, but I think it would be worth a shot if you were comfortable with it.

 

[sierra_mtns]

Yes, they need a gift...a gift of understanding. Make a donation to a local foodbank or needy family and make sure previous friends get a copy of the letter that says, "This year instead of individual or family gifts to friends, we pooled that money and are pleased to announce that we purchased x number of meals for foodbank, etc. We hope you understand and appreciate our outreach efforts."

You aren't cutting them. You aren't playing get even with them. You are simply spending your funds where it is needed.

 

[sweetpumkinpye]

I would feel upset that my children were hurt by the behaviour of these others. It is hard to forget that. I do not have room in my life for Fair weather friends. I would as others have suggested tell the family that you felt that there were others in more need this year and that your family had decided to share your good fortune with those.

 

[HouseElf]

It's a tough spot to be in. Personally I would not purchase a gift for the family or individuals. When they call to discuss Christmas cheerfully suggest that you all meet for dinner after the holidays when schedules are less hectic and end it with "give us a call when you know your availability." chances are she will not call and if she does her motive might actually be to clear the air, not the gifts/trees your family has been so generous with.

Agree.

Cindylouwho: I am so sorry for the pain this has caused your family!