Ok so here's the scenerio... my DH has been laid off for 13 weeks and we are a single income family. (I'm a special needs/stay at home/mom and foster mom) For my in-laws Christmas is all about stuff. They can afford whatever they want, however they have requested sweaters for each of them (although refuse to give sizes/styles), clothes, movies etc. I don't know what to do. This really isn't my thing. For my family it's homemade gifts and time together--so trying to play the game after 11 years just feels frustrating. On one side: do I request sizes again?? Do I do a gift card to a store?? Which store? How Much?? Do I just do what we can and home make it when I know they don't appreciate the time/effort???
what to do for the in-laws
- Thread starter creativemom
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Hmm, creativemom, this is a tough one. My first reaction was too bad for them. Do what you can do. My second reaction is to go with your gut. What does your heart tell you?
I am doing homemade gifts for a lot of people this year. I know one in particular won't appreciate it, but that is her problem. It seems no matter what I do, it is never the right thing. So this year, she is getting a gift card. And that may be your best bet. That way, they can get exactly what they want. If they are not going to tell you the correct sizes, what choice do you have? The thing here is choosing the right store.
You have to spend what is right for you and your DH. I wouldn't exceed anything above what you can really afford. It is their son who is unemployed. If it were my son, I would say right away, no gifts. Let's just spend time together. In fact, I have done that. Especially at my age, I don't need more stuff. I can afford a lot of what I want. I just don't want a lot. I would much rather spend time with my kids and grandkids, laughing, watching movies, etc. It is time that is the most precious gift to me.
I hope I haven't confused you by putting in my two and a half cents worth. My Irish gift of gab gets the best of me sometimes. You have enough on your plate right now without stressing over this situation. Go with your first instincts. That is usually the best thing.
I am doing homemade gifts for a lot of people this year. I know one in particular won't appreciate it, but that is her problem. It seems no matter what I do, it is never the right thing. So this year, she is getting a gift card. And that may be your best bet. That way, they can get exactly what they want. If they are not going to tell you the correct sizes, what choice do you have? The thing here is choosing the right store.
You have to spend what is right for you and your DH. I wouldn't exceed anything above what you can really afford. It is their son who is unemployed. If it were my son, I would say right away, no gifts. Let's just spend time together. In fact, I have done that. Especially at my age, I don't need more stuff. I can afford a lot of what I want. I just don't want a lot. I would much rather spend time with my kids and grandkids, laughing, watching movies, etc. It is time that is the most precious gift to me.
I hope I haven't confused you by putting in my two and a half cents worth. My Irish gift of gab gets the best of me sometimes. You have enough on your plate right now without stressing over this situation. Go with your first instincts. That is usually the best thing.
I agree with Pam....could you put the gift card in a mini sweater with a little note about picking out something just right?
Don't put yourself short for a gift. Just my two cents too!
Don't put yourself short for a gift. Just my two cents too!
I am in a similiar situation. My ILs are all about stuff! Drives me crazy. This year I am determined to give EVERYONE homemade gifts. Now the kiddies may get a store bought item or two, but they too will get homemade items.
My drawing point was a few years ago, but husband spent hours upon hours to make his dad a knife. Well his dad's response, "Oh, you made this. That's ok!" Poor DH's heart was broke! That's when I realized how nothing no matter the size/dollar sign or how much it's from the heart, just isn't going to matter to them.
Having said that, I say go with your gut as well. We don't have near the income we had last year and everyone is cutting back. They should understand that. How would they fill about exchanging for children only?
My drawing point was a few years ago, but husband spent hours upon hours to make his dad a knife. Well his dad's response, "Oh, you made this. That's ok!" Poor DH's heart was broke! That's when I realized how nothing no matter the size/dollar sign or how much it's from the heart, just isn't going to matter to them.
Having said that, I say go with your gut as well. We don't have near the income we had last year and everyone is cutting back. They should understand that. How would they fill about exchanging for children only?
Even if Christmas is all about the stuff for your IL's, it's absolutely OK for Christmas to not be all about the stuff for you! We're all allowed to have the kind of Christmas that fits us best, so don't feel forced to conform to their idea of what Christmas should be.
Once you and your DH can come up with a budget amount, perhaps a compromise could be one store-bought gift (a piece of clothing - sweater on sale, perhaps) and combine it with something homemade, like a big basket of nicely presented homemade baked items, or whatever you like to make.
Once you and your DH can come up with a budget amount, perhaps a compromise could be one store-bought gift (a piece of clothing - sweater on sale, perhaps) and combine it with something homemade, like a big basket of nicely presented homemade baked items, or whatever you like to make.
Creativemom: You have some wonderful advice here.
My inlaws were the same at one time. Mil would go all out to provide lots of stuff for gifts and it was almost like she wanted to show off. "See what we can afford..hahahaha" kind of deal. Of course she doesn't like me so my pile usually ended up at the thrift store because the clothes were in poor taste or wrong size, etc.
Then, 2 years ago, fil retired and had heart surgery and then Christmas wasn't such a huge over haul anymore. She began to get the hint that Christmas was 'giving from the heart'. Again though, my gifts were hauled up from the basement and usually junk covered in dust, but somethings won't change that quickly.
My inlaws were the same at one time. Mil would go all out to provide lots of stuff for gifts and it was almost like she wanted to show off. "See what we can afford..hahahaha" kind of deal. Of course she doesn't like me so my pile usually ended up at the thrift store because the clothes were in poor taste or wrong size, etc.
Then, 2 years ago, fil retired and had heart surgery and then Christmas wasn't such a huge over haul anymore. She began to get the hint that Christmas was 'giving from the heart'. Again though, my gifts were hauled up from the basement and usually junk covered in dust, but somethings won't change that quickly.
Creativemom...you mentioned that on theirlist were movies. Can you not buy a movie of their choice and do up a little movie night basket. Fill with the movie, pop corn, drinks, sweets etc. Put in a little card saying it is a stay at home date night. If the movie is appropriate, maybe you can suggest that you and DH double date. Just my thoughts.
My favortie Christmas quote is "He who has not Christmas in his heart, will never find it under the tree". I don't believe people that are looking to get "stuff" and at the cost of a gift really understand the meaning of Christmas and the reason we give. I am one that honestly feels that when you give a handmade gift, that you are actually giving a piece of yourself, you are giving of your time and your talent. Years ago I was in the same situation that many here are in, buying gifts I really could not afford and that had little to no meaning. Then one day I decided I had to bite the bullet and change my situation. I started buying more thougtful gifts and mostly giving handmade gifts. It was hard to begin with, but has been very rewarding: even though my gifts from the heart do not equal the value of some of my families, they do generate more excitement and appreciation. It was hard to break out of the mold and I was nervous; but becasue the gifts are from my heart and very thoughtful they are well revd.
Pam and Masslass have given you some wonderful advise. Now you just have to decide what is best for you.
Pam and Masslass have given you some wonderful advise. Now you just have to decide what is best for you.
creativemom, I agree with a lot that was said here. I feel you have to be true to you and do what your heart tells you. Not sure what communication is like between you and your IL's but perhaps you could talk to them and let them know that things are tight and just explain the situation, isn't it surprising that you have to explain it?!
If you are so inclined, the movie basket may be a good thing. I don't think I would even consider the sweaters...they have to respect your position, and unless you respect your position, they won't get it!!! Follow your instincts and I am sure it will be good for all of you...
If you are so inclined, the movie basket may be a good thing. I don't think I would even consider the sweaters...they have to respect your position, and unless you respect your position, they won't get it!!! Follow your instincts and I am sure it will be good for all of you...
I agree with others - go with what YOU can comfortably afford....they know your husband is out of work right now. Asking for clothes & not giving sizes is a mind game - you don't have time for that nonsense! The movie night theme is a great idea. Good luck!
I agree - lots of great advice. One more - if you do opt for a gift card, see if you can find a mall that will do a mall gift card. That way you will not have to try to figure out what the right store is.
I wonder if they have not been forthcoming with what they would like because they are trying to be sensitive to the fact that DH has been laid off? Perhaps they said Sweaters to keep it simple? If they really want sweaters, then I would shoot for a gift certificate to a sweater shop rather than trying to pick something out they may not like.
If you feel more comfortable with doing things that are homemade, I say go with that. A tray full of homemade holiday treats rarely goes unappreciated. I don't know this family, but if they are well off they probably will get whatever they want in terms of gifts anyway, right? They may not think twice about the dollar value of your personal present and may appreciate the effort that you put into it -- especailly in tight economic times.
If you feel more comfortable with doing things that are homemade, I say go with that. A tray full of homemade holiday treats rarely goes unappreciated. I don't know this family, but if they are well off they probably will get whatever they want in terms of gifts anyway, right? They may not think twice about the dollar value of your personal present and may appreciate the effort that you put into it -- especailly in tight economic times.
Let me give you some ideas that have not been mentioned. Then you will have lots to chose from.
Personally -- I would do research on thrift shops in expensive towns/areas. i would call and see if they have any half-price sales or any sales on sweaters. My favorite store charges $4 for sweaters and does half-price sales often.
I have my calendar marked for a wonderful church Bazar -- on December 5th this year. It is the source of gifts for me to give all year -- for amazing prices.
Interested in new sweaters? Is it Penny's or Sears that is advertising $15 sweaters now? If it is Penny's --- they are also giving $10 off a $50 purchase this weekend. Just cut off the tags that have store names. Put in a neutral box. If they want to exchange it -- say. "I'm sorry. A friend got it for you when they were out of state on a trip. I don't have a receipt."
I know that we want to act "civil" to our husband's parents -- as a sign of respect to our husbands. It is not a matter of them deserving our respect. Because THEY do not. (NOT in every case -- of course. But.... sometimes.) So YOU will have to decide how much "respect" you will give to your in-laws' wishes.
Personally -- I would do research on thrift shops in expensive towns/areas. i would call and see if they have any half-price sales or any sales on sweaters. My favorite store charges $4 for sweaters and does half-price sales often.
I have my calendar marked for a wonderful church Bazar -- on December 5th this year. It is the source of gifts for me to give all year -- for amazing prices.
Interested in new sweaters? Is it Penny's or Sears that is advertising $15 sweaters now? If it is Penny's --- they are also giving $10 off a $50 purchase this weekend. Just cut off the tags that have store names. Put in a neutral box. If they want to exchange it -- say. "I'm sorry. A friend got it for you when they were out of state on a trip. I don't have a receipt."
I know that we want to act "civil" to our husband's parents -- as a sign of respect to our husbands. It is not a matter of them deserving our respect. Because THEY do not. (NOT in every case -- of course. But.... sometimes.) So YOU will have to decide how much "respect" you will give to your in-laws' wishes.