Laney's Word for 2011 - Joy

[Laney]

John 16:20 (NIV) - I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.


The past year has been a very difficult one for me that has lead me to a dark and lonely place. On June 27, 2010 I gave birth to my precious baby boy, Gabriel at only 18 weeks. I never got to hold him, but instead planned a funeral. The pain and sorrow that I feel as I go through life having had to go through this, knowing that I will never go through life's firsts with him is heartbreaking. Christmas was almost unbearable as my due date would have been Dec. 8th and I should have been at home celebrating my favorite season with my new baby. Instead, every decoration, activity and song reminded me of just how empty my arms were. There were good moments - we still tried to make it as special as we could for our 3yo DD, but it all felt empty overall. Life altogether feels empty.

I know that grief and mourning are very normal for what I am going through, but I don't want to live my life like this. A book that I recently read about a Christian's journey through the loss of a child had the verse John 16:20 in it. It is a beautiful reminder that God not only has the power to turn our grief to joy, but that He has a purpose for our pain and He will bring us through the fire.

This year will be my journey as I depend on God to turn my grief into joy. It may not be pretty at times. But I know my God is good and will lead me through it.

 

[girlsinmo]

I'm so sorry please accept my condolenses. I pray God comforts & lifts you up...

 

[Ahorsesoul]

My prayers to you. Being the mother of an angel is the hardest job on earth.

 

[sweetpumkinpye]

Laney...my condolences to you and your family. May 2011 lead you on the path to healing.

 

[AnnieClaus]

Laney- I applaud you for taking this courageous journey! I look forward to seeing how you rediscover joy in 2011!

Annie

 

[luludou]

Lany - my condolences to you and your family and I will enjoy following your journey

 

[ChristmasPir8]

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Joy is such a wonderful word b/c it not the same as happiness b/c w/ God's help we can have Joy even while we are in hard times. I look forward to hearing of you journey.

 

[Laney]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and encouragement. I look forward to being able to share this journey with you all.

 

[Holly Molly]

Joy comes in the morning. Praying that the light of a new dawn shines for you in 2011.

 

[Laney]

So, today was really the first time that I felt like I was able to truly just be happy in a long time. I really don't care for snow, but it snowed today and it was Rudy day - and I decided to embrace the Christmas spirit. I feel in so many ways that this last Christmas was really robbed from me as a part of losing my Gabriel. I went through the motions, but it was so empty.

So today, when I walked outside and there was heavy snow falling, it just felt like the right time to take back a bit of Christmas. I enjoyed one of my favorite Christmas cd's that I didn't listen to once this last season. I stopped at Starbucks and got a peppermint white chocolate mocha and I sang while I drove and enjoyed the pretty snow. It felt good to be able to just let my heart be happy.

Some people really were complaining about it being spring now and why were we having snow - but I really think God knew that I needed that glimpse of the joy that He intends for me.

 

[luludou]

Lany - I'm glad you could find comfort in this Rudy day. Sending you lots of hugs.

 

[sweetpumkinpye]

Laney many hugs to you today, glad that you found what you needed.

 

[snickerdoodle]

I'm glad that you enjoyed the day yesterday! God bless you and your family.

 

[Ahorsesoul]

Sounds to me like a special spirit came to you to guide you back into the spirit of Christmas. I am so happy for you.

 

[AnnieClaus]

I love your update, Laney! Another reminder that Christmas isn't a date on the calendar, but a date in our hearts- we can feel and experience it anytime.

Good for you!

 

[ChristmasPir8]

So glad you were able to find some joy on Rudy day! you pianted a beautiful picture.

 

[MinnieCo]

Laney, it sounds like the perfect day. Makes me all warm and fuzzy because I GET IT!

 

[Laney]

Today is day 2 of snow in March and apparently Santa has made a stop at our house LOL.

My DD (3yo) came running into the room earlier yelling, "MAMA!!! Look what Santa brought me!!! He brought me a whole box of sleeping beauty barbies!!" Thank you Santa!!!!!"

Apparently she found a brand new, still in packaging, barbie set that looks like sleeping beauty in her old toy box in the closet. I have absolutely NO recollection of ever buying and/or hiding the barbie set. I have to wonder where it came from...Perhaps Santa did stop by!

 

[Lana]

Laney, so happy that you are finding peace with the snow. God knew you needed it. Bet your DD did think Santa came with finding the barbies and the the snow. Take Care!

 

[Laney]

This last week has been a very difficult one and in some ways it is making me revisit a lot of the pain from the last year - but also grow from it.

I found out yesterday afternoon that a family friend has committed suicide. She is about 5 years younger than me (around 23 or 24) and always been so full of life. Her parents have been a large part of my life growing up in church and her mom threw my bridal shower and baby shower. I was also friends with her older brother and sister. This family means the world to me. Erica was always so full of life and always had an amazing relationship with her family, but especially her mother and sister. It is hard to imagine being in such a dark place that you feel you only have one way out.

I'm struggling not only on a level of grieving, but also because it is really bringing back a lot of the pain when thinking of losing a child. It is so fresh still, that it hurts a lot. And it makes my heart break for the mother (and father) in this family because I know how much pain and devastation I had when my baby died and I never even gotten a chance to make memories and get to know my child. I loved him, but in some ways, I don't necessarily know what life I am missing with him. To know that Debbie is going through the same pain I have, but magnified by 100x is unbearable. I can't imagine and as a mother, my heart is broken for her.

In the midst of grief, though, if you listen close, you can hear God speaking - and I have in these last couple of days. First of all, in church on Sunday, we sang a praise song that talks about God never letting go - whether its in the calm or in the storm or in every high and every low. When I was at my darkest moment over the last months, that song has always been the one chorus that goes through my head over and over to remind me that I'm not walking along and God will hold me strong no matter what. Sometimes I think I say it over and over more to try to convince myself, but it has become such a reassurance to me that no matter what, God has his hold on me. I don't hear it as much anymore on the radio or sang at church, so when I do, I feel like God has put that there for a reason. In this case I feel like it was to remind me before going into this trial that He has control and will carry us all through.

I've also thought a lot about the fact that when my baby died, so many people told me that I shouldn't feel guilt, that there was nothing I could have done to save my baby. No matter how much I've known that was true, I've still been dealing with guilt of what I should have done differently and would my baby be in my arms tonight. Our church sermon on Sunday was about guilt and how God is there to take that burden from you. I have felt a lot of guilt for quite some time because at the time that I lost the baby, I was working way too hard and putting my job before my health, the baby, and my family. I felt like I wasn't even being a good mom to my DD, so that was why I wasn't going to get to have my baby. I know those thoughts aren't rational, but it is what it is. On Sunday, I was very convicted that I needed to give this guilt up to God. It was His plan and not my faulit and I needed to let Him truly be my strength.

Fast forward a couple of days and I am looking at this dear, sweet family that is now struggling with the pain of losing a daughter. Debbie (the mom) has always had a VERY close relationship with each of the kids. The whole family was so close - and not in a cheesey, fake way. I know that there has got to be some guilt in their family about why if they were so close did they not see this coming. Why couldn't they save their one that they loved so much. If I look at them and see Debbie who really modeled what a true Godly style of parenting and love and was an amazing mother (and this isn't just my outside view point, this is from talking with her kids too) and in the end, Erica made her own choice and took her own life. She did everything she could, but in the end - its not in her hands.

As weird as this sounds, that is such a relief to me and fits what God has been trying to speak to me over the last couple of days. I could have been the most perfect mother in the world, but in the end - there truly was nothing I could have done to save my baby. For the first time I think I am truly starting grasp that. I just wish it wasn't me learning at the expense of another family's pain. Perhaps when the time is right, it is something that I can share with them and maybe it will bring them comfort. I'm not sure if that time will come - but until then, I'll keep it tucked close to my heart.

I'm not sure that this fits into the topic of joy, but it is in a horrible way, a part of my healing process. My heart is broken for this family and I hope that if anyone is reading this that you will please pray for them as they endure such a tragic time.

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On a side note, I am thankful that this is here and I have a safe place to write and get my thoughts out. I tend to bottle things in and that is not the healthiest. If you choose to read, I appreciate your compassion and encouragement along this road. But please don't feel like you have to read and or comment. This is just my safe place. Plus I probably have the world's biggest reccord of # of run-on sentences. Please ignore my lack of grammar LOL