How do you know when you want to stop exchanging gifts with certain people and how do you handle it?
When Enough is Enough
- Thread starter happy2bme
- Start date
I don't want to get into too many details because it is complicated and ugly, but I am nearing the point of telling my sister no more gift exchanging. She is an angry, abusive bully and I am not looking forward to having this conversation. DH doesn't speak to her and knows that I am the one that will have to deal with it.
He is recommending that rather than shopping for gifts this year, send some gift cards so they can do their own shopping. That way I don't have to spend much time or energy on it, since my heart isn't in it. He thinks that immediately after the holidays I should speak to her or send a note letting her know that we are stopping all extended family gift shopping (which we have except for MIL and FIL). It would be nice to take that money and donate it to some local charities that DH and I feel very strongly about.
I want to do it this year and get it over with, but am dreading having to do it. I am a big chicken!!
Any advice?
He is recommending that rather than shopping for gifts this year, send some gift cards so they can do their own shopping. That way I don't have to spend much time or energy on it, since my heart isn't in it. He thinks that immediately after the holidays I should speak to her or send a note letting her know that we are stopping all extended family gift shopping (which we have except for MIL and FIL). It would be nice to take that money and donate it to some local charities that DH and I feel very strongly about.
I want to do it this year and get it over with, but am dreading having to do it. I am a big chicken!!
Any advice?
Thats a hard one and there will be no good resolution.. You just have to do it.. and it is still early enough that I think your DH is wrong to wait till after... We just sent notes to both DHs sisters several years ago.. that we understand they are busy ... like we are.. they have many friends and immediate family that they would like to buy presents for.. that with the economy and so many people hurting.. we have decided to cut back .. We love them, they are family and you hope that if anyone would understand they will.. .. and wish them a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year..
Hope that helps Mel...
Hope that helps Mel...
I would suggest making a charitable donation in her name (honor) and make that her Christmas gift. If she doesn't appreciate it, too bad. It could be a yearly 'gift" if you like, and you don't have to deal with telling her you don't want to exchange presents. You could let her know that you would welcome the same type of 'gift' from her.
We did much the same thing a few years ago. I wrote to my sisters in law and stated that with the economic times etc we had decided to cut back on gifts. It did not mean that we loved them less but would prefer to enjoy their company. Now instead of exchanging gifts we get together for a meal. Much nicer.
It could get bad! 
I probably would do like your DH & tell her after Christmas... but that's the chicken in me talking. We give to nieces & nephews & for brothers & sisters we now have an exchange.
I probably would do like your DH & tell her after Christmas... but that's the chicken in me talking. We give to nieces & nephews & for brothers & sisters we now have an exchange.
I decided to tell her now and be done with it. I sent her an email - short and sweet. I told her that DH and I have decided that we will no longer be purchasing gifts for extended family, that it wasn't in our budget to do so anymore. I said that we have had to make some cutbacks as a lot of people are.
Not exactly the truth, but not exactly a lie either.
I feel a great weight as been lifted off my shoulders. Shopping for them has always been the absolute dead last thing I do every year as it causes me so much stress. I am glad it is done.
Now, I will wait to see what she has to say.
Not exactly the truth, but not exactly a lie either.
I feel a great weight as been lifted off my shoulders. Shopping for them has always been the absolute dead last thing I do every year as it causes me so much stress. I am glad it is done.
Now, I will wait to see what she has to say.
I have already told all of the friends I exchange with that this is absolutely the last year! We are all getting close to retirement or have retired, and are on more of a fixed income. And you know what? Everyone was ok with it. I love to give, but one of these days, I will have to stop. I've also told my kids this is the last big Christmas and that next year I will focus more on the DGC.
Mel, you did the right thing. Giving shouldn't stress you out. And if your Sis doesn't like it, that is HER problem, not your's. And who knows? She may be just as relieved as YOU are!
Mel, you did the right thing. Giving shouldn't stress you out. And if your Sis doesn't like it, that is HER problem, not your's. And who knows? She may be just as relieved as YOU are!
Pam,
We tried doing this a few years ago when we stopped exchanging with DH's siblings and my sister got very angry. She felt that because her kids were young they should get gifts. She will be thrilled not to have to shop for us, but will be mad because she won't like her kids missing out on what she figures they are due. My sister is all about getting what she feels she is entitled to.
Like I said - when it comes to her everything is complicated and ugly.
We tried doing this a few years ago when we stopped exchanging with DH's siblings and my sister got very angry. She felt that because her kids were young they should get gifts. She will be thrilled not to have to shop for us, but will be mad because she won't like her kids missing out on what she figures they are due. My sister is all about getting what she feels she is entitled to.
Like I said - when it comes to her everything is complicated and ugly.
happy2bme,
I think you handled it fine and you even said you felt a great weight off you now ... I think you found your "Word" for 2010 ... balance.
You have to do what gives you peace for you and your family. You are not accountable for how others handle it.
Blessings ....
I think you handled it fine and you even said you felt a great weight off you now ... I think you found your "Word" for 2010 ... balance.
You have to do what gives you peace for you and your family. You are not accountable for how others handle it.
Blessings ....
jampss,
Thank you for saying that. It makes me feel a lot better.
I am worried because she will bully me and make me feel guilty.
I need to stand my ground and you are right, I am not accountable for how she handles it.
Thanks again.
Thank you for saying that. It makes me feel a lot better.
I am worried because she will bully me and make me feel guilty.
I need to stand my ground and you are right, I am not accountable for how she handles it.
Thanks again.
It is hard when a family member thinks it's their due to receive gifts. I feel sorry for the children.
If you really do not want to do gifts just don't. Telling her before or after the Holidays will not make it any easier. After the holidays will be easier on her, before for you but might cause family upsets. Do blame it on the economy, mainly because it's true. We'd all buy millions of gifts if we could.
You could send a "family gift" to them. That way you only buy one and everyone can enjoy it. Maybe a game or movie basket. I do like you dh idea of a gift card. Very easy and they get what they want.
It's OK not to want to buy gifts for someone. Even if they are family.
If you really do not want to do gifts just don't. Telling her before or after the Holidays will not make it any easier. After the holidays will be easier on her, before for you but might cause family upsets. Do blame it on the economy, mainly because it's true. We'd all buy millions of gifts if we could.
You could send a "family gift" to them. That way you only buy one and everyone can enjoy it. Maybe a game or movie basket. I do like you dh idea of a gift card. Very easy and they get what they want.
It's OK not to want to buy gifts for someone. Even if they are family.
Mel-good job standing up and telling her. I am a chicken also so I know it's hard. It doesn't help when someone tries to blame others for their feelings. No need to go into detail that you don't want to b/c you don't like her the economy right now is a perfect excuse b/c it's true for most every one. Send a card, send your love and enjoy your holidays with one less stress to deal with.
the economy right now is a perfect excuse b/c it's true for most every one. Send a card, send your love and enjoy your holidays with one less stress to deal with.
I think if it feels like a chore it is time to stop.
When we first suggested stopping the gift exchange, my SIL's balked. They have now come to know how great it is to not have the gift stress.
My sister is a gift person, even though she states she is not. It really stresses me out.:smilegifts:
When we first suggested stopping the gift exchange, my SIL's balked. They have now come to know how great it is to not have the gift stress.
My sister is a gift person, even though she states she is not. It really stresses me out.:smilegifts:
Mel, well done on getting the email sent. That is the hardest part. Now just stick to your guns and don't let her intimidate you. You have to remember to do what is good for you not what is good for them.
Mel - You did what you needed to do. If she is going to bully you, let her do it via email where you can hit delete and be done with it. That being said, if you have caller ID and see her number come up I would ignore it until she has a chance to calm down and come to her senses.
GLad to hear you sent the email and are done with it. It sounds like that was exactly what needed to be done. If your sister doesn't like it, then that's her problem. It's hard to imagine a grown woman with children trying to bully someone into giving her gifts! How contrary to the spirit of the holidays.
We've stopped giving to some extended family members as it became too stressful and expensive and it was hard to bring the topic up but we were all so glad we did!
We've stopped giving to some extended family members as it became too stressful and expensive and it was hard to bring the topic up but we were all so glad we did!
Hi all..been gone from here for almost two years, we had no computer.
I as well told all family members two years ago that Christmas exchanges by us were finished. I was tired of the added stress and money(that we did not have to spend), no matter what was bought it wasn't good enough, the wrong size, etc..
They all blew their top...I was apparently the biggest B*&^# ever. To this very day it's still thrown in my face. But you know what? I have gotten over it and just smile when I hear them complain how broke and exhausted they are with the Christmas rush.
I as well told all family members two years ago that Christmas exchanges by us were finished. I was tired of the added stress and money(that we did not have to spend), no matter what was bought it wasn't good enough, the wrong size, etc..
They all blew their top...I was apparently the biggest B*&^# ever. To this very day it's still thrown in my face. But you know what? I have gotten over it and just smile when I hear them complain how broke and exhausted they are with the Christmas rush.
Cinnamonstix,
How nice to have you back. 2 years without a computer - WOW!!
I haven't heard from her yet. This doesn't surprise me. I just wish there was some acknowledgment, so I know she got the message.
How nice to have you back. 2 years without a computer - WOW!!
I haven't heard from her yet. This doesn't surprise me. I just wish there was some acknowledgment, so I know she got the message.